I have a problem with stuttering. I’ve explained it to myself that my brain works in a different way to language, so I struggle to fit my thoughts and the way I think into language sometimes. That’s when the problems happen and I think that’s where I stutter.
I started to have the problem with stuttering when I was five, I couldn’t say a single word without stuttering. Now occasionally I stutter; usually if I talk too fast and I can’t remember the word, or there are other periods during the year when I stutter a lot more.
When you’re a child, you’re really young and really emotional, particularly if you’ve got some kind of defect. It erodes your self-confidence. Parts of my life I was so angry at the whole world, and now looking back I realise that it’s probably because I was trying to express myself and be myself but I was unable. And rather than helping me, or giving me enough time to do that, people were teasing me instead…
Right now I’m just like ‘fuck it’. If you think that makes me less intelligent or less of a person, that’s your problem. Finally after twenty-seven years I’ve got to that point. I’m not struggling with this part of me anymore. It is what it is, so you need to embrace it.
I wasn’t raised in any dogmatic way. I was raised in a Christian country, in an agnostic family. My grandfather was Marxist. My Mum was a nurse who was interested in eastern religions, she explained life to me through science and spirituality. My father was raised as a Muslim, although he didn’t practice it. He was an engineer and he shared life with me in a technical way. I was always trying to connect all these things together to see if I can understand which way life is.
None of the explanations that I’ve come across so far are good enough for me.
I just continue to explore, and in a way, find my own way of understanding life and myself. This is why I study philosophy.
I’ve been told that I analyse things too much. I’m apparently too hung on the notion of ‘who I am’. If you don’t know who you are, there’s no way you can know about the world around you.
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