When I was a fat girl, everything would be about my personality. People cared about who I was and what I liked. I was pretty funny so I knew people would approach me because of my personality. When I entered university, that’s when I got the body I have today. I started noticing that mainly guys would be interested in me for other reasons. It was a huge change because I went from being the fat, geeky girl who was into manga to being attractive.
I started putting loads of makeup on and being really aware of all my clothes and everything. For one or two years I really didn’t know who I was anymore. I really thought that only my physical appearance was of value. Before I had been really self-confident and I lost all that self-confidence when I got pretty.
I studied in Japan for a while, and it was there that I started using my body for sports. I discovered climbing and yoga and for the first time I discovered that my body is actually a machine. It’s not an object to be looked at, but I can actually do stuff with it…
I’m kinda struggling with adulthood. When I was a kid I used to paint a lot. I would spend hours dancing in my room alone and doing things for myself. I had no other worries. I would come from school and play Playstation, dance, or write. Now all of this is gone.
If I’m not looking for a job, or actually working, all I want to do is escape. I do whatever it takes not to think about myself anymore. Yet in my adolescence I was always thinking about myself. I would write stories to make sense of everything and that was my way to get through it. It was just an impulse, and yet now that impulse has gone.
I don’t think you can always enjoy your day in a ‘joyful’ way. In some ways, I used to enjoy being in pain. For me it was a hardcore creative moment if something bad happened. You know, if some guy rejected me, or I had a fight with a friend, that was three hours of writing, or enjoying music, because I needed to feel sad. It was good to be sad. I really think that you can’t understand what it feels like to be happy if you can’t understand what it’s like to be depressed.
I think intuition is built on your past experiences. Impulse is different. It’s a subconscious thing, and if you don’t act on it in the first five seconds, it’s gone.
We’re so obsessed with logic, that we completely suppress that which we can’t understand.
We follow rational thinking over impulse. You know it in your body. Doing impro helped me so much. I was always an impulsive person. I was never afraid of jumping in the pool. I never really thought about the consequences. Impro helped me to understand that if you follow the impulse it will succeed.
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