I think I realised I was gay at around twelve or thirteen. But I guess we really have to go back in time to get right to the start. When I was five years old I would play with dolls, but I would also play with Action Man and HotWheels cars. I look back now and think it’s really nice to have been a child with absolutely no prejudice about what I was playing with.
However, it got more difficult in early teenage years. People started expressing more hurtful behaviour towards me. They started calling me “faggot” before I even realised that I’m attracted to men. I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t gay, not because I refused it, but because I didn’t even think it was an option for me.
I was about sixteen or seventeen when I just accepted it. My friends were mostly girls back then, and it was around this time, that we started going out more often and they started kissing and making out with guys. This seemed to be part of the natural transition from teenage to young adult, so I wanted to experience that as well…
However, it was very hard to find gay guys who were around my age in an area full of primarily small towns. Therefore, I began to feel frustrated for not getting what I desperately started to want. It became sort of an obsession which made me wish that any night out would be “the night”, instead of just entirely focusing in partying and having fun. And “the night” never seemed to arrive. Later, though, I came to realise that apart from instinct, will to experiment and lust, there was an underlying longing for experiencing a new kind of love. Different from the one in family and friendship; a desire to be and feel understood and appreciated in a closer, more intimate way.
This all leads me to think the following: apart from affinity, sex and love, it’s a deep connection what I’m really looking for within the other person.
I believed I was getting close to that connection about three different times so far in my life, but for different reasons, it always ended up being unrequited. But anyway, I believe that it’s necessary to feel, to give it all, to risk without knowing how it’s going to turn out.
I don’t think the point of life is to be the perfect human being.
I think your flaws, no matter how much you try to tame them, will always be rooted to you in some way. A better goal than trying to erase them is perhaps simply trying to be aware of them. It’s about gaining more perspective about a particular situation and then asking yourself how you can avoid this flaw interfering with your life.
I guess I kind of improvise in life. I don’t make too many long-term plans. Life is so unexpected and your plans can collapse very suddenly. That’s why today is what counts. In the TV show Grey’s Anatomy they said something similar, but don’t quote me… it was something like “Life is like going to the top of the mountain, people usually only take pictures at the top but what really matters is the journey up.”
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