I suffered a lot between the age of 13 and 20. I’m gay and it felt really difficult for a young gay in Ljubljana. I think I was about thirteen when I realised I’m attracted to men. I remember I was in an IT class and one of my classmates went to some porn sites. This was the first time I discovered it. Then I looked at it at home and very soon I found the gay section. I realised then it was something I like.
I struggled with this realisation. Mostly I was hiding it. I think it’s much better to talk with friends about sexuality. I felt alone though. I had nobody to talk about that. I was dating girls because it was cool and I was supposed to do that. When I was twenty I fell in love with one guy and everything collapsed. I was obsessively in love. I came out to everyone but it was a shock for me.
It’s interesting because I pretended a lot when I was with girls. It was not that difficult to get a girlfriend. But when I started dating guys it became so difficult because I had stronger feelings involved. It’s something truer…
I’ve had muses. I write poetry and I’ve probably written over 500 poems, many of them are about my different muses. Either I’ll have some thoughts which I need to write down or sometimes I just feel this desire to write and I have no idea what I’m going to say. I just sit down and let it run out of me. I often write about love or people I like romantically. I write some erotic poetry about people I’ve had sex with.
I got into a crisis when I was in London and went to see a psychoanalyst there. I’ve been continuing my treatment with her for two years now. It’s the most transformative process I’ve ever been through. Before that I was crazy, now I’m a bit less crazy. I can manage with my own craziness now! Psychoanalysis is basically a break from all of the craziness that life brings. It’s some kind of stop from my constant thinking and constructions. In a session I can talk about anything I want and the analyst intervenes. She tries to deconstruct the logic of how I think and of how I do things.
When I utter something important she stops the session. She says ‘good, see you next time’. It prevents me from making sense of anything, and I’m usually left confused after the session. Although this is exactly the effect they’re supposed to achieve. But the work in the analysis has also caused long term effects – I’m becoming able to live my own life and construct a space for myself, where I take responsibility for what I say and do.
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