I think I have the fantasy of one day going to a park, picking up a book, and actually being able to sit down and read it. I think that could be a symbol that everything is going fine. Because of my mental state I feel that it’s really hard to focus on anything. Every time I try mindfulness I end up crying, so if I’m able to go to a park and just read a book, and just be content with my day, it will really mean a lot. I had a bit of an abusive upbringing. It’s not like my parents hit me, but emotionally and psychologically I think it’s one of the reasons I consider myself a little fucked up right now. 2017 was one of the hardest years of my life. I had a crisis and now I’m taking the chance to restart my life. Right now I’ve decided to stay here in Ljubljana longer because I’m getting psychological treatment. I’ve been struggling with depression for several years and I think this is the 7th psychologist I’ve had. I think this time it’s starting to make sense. This psychologist in Ljubljana diagnosed me with something which I’ve never been diagnosed before. In the past I was told that I had bipolar and depression because the amplitude between my mood swings was really wide but this latest psychologist said that I probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is something we mostly associated with Vietnam veterans and stuff but it turns out you can get it from other situations as well. My parents made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and like I was an underachiever. It’s also aggravated by the fact that my Mum has colon cancer right now and she a limited amount of time left to live. It’s a pretty stressful situation at the moment because it’s not only about the truth of life, but it’s about mortality. My Mum has been unhealthy for a while now and I face a dilemma…
I’m facing all this while half of me feels like I should be in my hometown with my parents because of my Mum’s condition. All my relatives tell me that I should be there. They don’t understand that I’m sick as well and I need to focus on myself before I can focus on others. Right now I feel hopeful because I finally feel like I’m getting to the root of the problem. I spent a few years in Berlin and I think it really triggered my sensations of loneliness. Despite what people think, Berlin can be really lonely. You are surrounded by people all the time but you can still feel really lonely. The FOMO – the fear of missing out – is so perpetual and so constant that unless you are optimising every minute you spend there then you feel like a fucking loser. You will see people living an Instagram life but you’re not living it. You see yourself throwing away trash on a Tuesday morning and you see others who are travelling to Thailand or forming startups. You start to wonder if your life is plain or if you’re just lacking perspective. The way I think and the way my life has developed makes me a very hard candidate to ever be happy. Lately I feel sad all the time. I’m really glad an explanation was found. The traumas I’m suffering from my upbringing really give me hope because I feel like they’re something that can be fixed. I feel like I will struggle for rest of my life to be, not happy – happy is a dirty word – but just to feel normal. There are sometimes a few moments when I feel normal, and not desperate or sad. I feel like the peak of my depressive thoughts started to happen when I began to realise that I was running out of the milestones that we are given by the world. But in the end, the only milestone is the one that I have to create for myself, and because of how my life has developed, I think it might my milestone would be one based on simplicity and well-being. And that’s the fucking hard part for me.
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