080 I’m Practicing Self-Love For The First Time

The Northern Lights fucked with my head. I couldn’t believe that they’re real. It’s the closest thing I’ve seen to magic. Just the fact that I was able to go to Alaska, which appears to be so far away, showed to me that nothing is too far. Everything is approachable. But that also creates a problem… Whenever I speak to people who have just graduated, we all seem kind of anxious. All of my friends are. We have so many opportunities and the American dream. We all know the advice ‘follow your dreams’, but we have no idea what our dream even is. Up until we graduate we’ve also been told what to do but then we’re like ‘damn’.  I came back from Alaska, graduated from college with better-than-average grades and then I was like okay, now what! I had a gap year where I went out almost every day. I partied. I tried not to think about what the next step is. I had a year of that and then I realised that I really needed to have ‘the talk’ with myself…  

If you see me outside, you’d think that I’m the most confident girl in the world, and in some ways I really am. I’ve seen a lot of people struggling with confidence and having difficulties, but I’ve never had that. But there’s something about romantic relationships. Right now, I’m practicing self-love for the first time. Until I moved to Ljubljana, I had one long relationship after another for a long time. I broke up with my boyfriend just before I got here and I came here for a fresh start. I’m learning how to be alone right now. I learnt the hard way that you should be a complete person before you go into a relationship. I had this theory that romantic love is the priority and then it’s everything else. I’m now forcing myself to put self-love first and let everything else follow. It’s tough because this goes against what I’ve believed in my entire life. In the end, we’re all afraid of not being accepted. For me I have the fear of losing someone I love. I think that’s my biggest fear! So I was clinging to something that wasn’t working anymore just because I really have problems with losing people. When you lose someone in a relationship it’s almost as if they’re dying. They’re never going to be the same, and neither will I, and in a way you are dying to each other.