134 – I Don’t Want To Be Seen As Vulnerable – Maja

“I find it really difficult to invite people to hang out with me. I don’t want to intrude their life. I always feel like I’m a bit of a burden to people and I wonder if they’d be entertained enough if they spent time with me. 

I’m a very anxious person, especially when it comes to meeting new people. I’ve been like that ever since I was a child. My Mum told me that I used to stand on the side and watch all the other kids play. Only after days and days would I actually feel comfortable enough to approach and interact. So I guess I’m still a bit like that.  

I think people find me really weird when they meet me for the first time. I can be really shy. I think I just feel like I’m not interesting enough, or I’m afraid of saying something stupid. It’s through music and dancing that I feel totally free. When I’m dancing it feels like I can be whoever I want without worrying what people think….

I never want to be seen as vulnerable. This is especially true in romantic relationships. I probably come across as really cold and uninterested because I try to never show emotion. I don’t want to show my partner how hurt and fragile I am, so I keep it all to myself.

My Dad was a heavy alcoholic for twenty-something years, so I think I learnt this as a defence mechanism. He often got angry and I saw how hurt my Mum was by it all. He knew he could take advantage of her emotionally. Seeing my Mum be that fragile, I think I decided to never show anybody how hurt I am. It’s safer to pretend to that nothing touches me than to get hurt like that.

My Dad got sober maybe just four or five years ago and my relationship with him is improving. He can be quite difficult. He’s not very flexible and he’s set in his own ways. But I’m trying. I want a good relationship with him – he’s still my Dad!”

☕️ 134/500 ? Skopje, North Macedonia

About 500 Coffees ☕️

I'm on a mission to get coffee with 500 strangers from all over the world. I want to speak to humans everywhere about their lives and how they experience the world. And cafes are the perfect place for this. Comfortable, cosy, illuminated with a cacophony of other human voices.