“I’m very independent. From the outside no-one would think I’m self-conscious. But I can be. I want to feel better about myself. My appearance. Who I am. I guess just everything about me. I’m not in a bad state or anything, but I want to bring it to another level.
I got divorced four years ago. It wasn’t a bad divorce. I had a very good relationship with my ex-husband. We’re still talking and working together, but at some point we realised we are just two room-mates and two friends. Nothing else. It was comfortable and we had a good relationship.
I’m much more aware of what I’m doing nowadays. At that time I wasn’t. I never thought about what affected me and what didn’t. It may sound like a harsh statement but I didn’t care about how I felt…
I never took the time to see how I felt inside and ask if it was what I wanted.
Since my divorce I’ve started to discover myself more. I’ve had a couple of difficult relationships since. That doesn’t mean they were bad, but they were difficult. I was with someone recently who was quite emotional. I was a little numb to my emotions at the time. I wasn’t expressing my feelings towards him. He could feel that and wasn’t very happy about it. I feel like perhaps he taught me to un-numb myself. Maybe my emotions are finally getting defrosted. I was very stable and not enthusiastic about things. I wasn’t too deep into anything and I think that’s what made me so stable.
Actually, I took pride in how stable I was. It was hard on me when my father died, but I never really expressed it. I just put it to one side. Then five years ago my mother died and I did the same. It took me time to realise it’s okay to feel things. I don’t have to be a powerful person who isn’t affected by anything.”
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