“If I don’t see the rationality behind a decision, I’m kinda lost. I feel bad about doing it unless I can see its rational sense.
I think love has to be both rational and irrational for me. Last time, I wrote a list of plusses and minuses about being in the relationship. I even gave my girlfriend the list and I encouraged her to make her own list too. She told me it was adorably irrelevant.
I was the same with other big decisions. I never knew exactly what I wanted to study. I got into computer programming very young and earned my first 100 euros in it when I was maybe 13. When it came time to choose my degree, I had a dilemma whether to choose electronics or science. My line of reasoning was like this: electronics I can learn by myself, it’s cheap to learn. Whereas science and science equipment is very hard to come by. Chemistry is the central science because you get to take a look at biology, physics and maths too. So I chose that. I figured it would give me the most options. I made a very rational decision…
The problem is, when you go really deeply into the rational, you start questioning the meaning of everything. You can have lots of these dreams to achieve things, but I find myself questioning why and asking what the point is. I have trouble finding meaning, and I can’t find a rational answer when it comes to purpose.
It’s mind-boggling to me how we can make decisions if we can’t take ourselves out of the equation.
Occasionally there are events on my agenda that I’m required to do, you know, when there’s an emergency or a deadline or something. In that situation, I know exactly what I’ve got to do and I know the logical route towards it. But without the emergency or pressure, I question everything. Do I really have to do it? Then my over-analytical mind comes into play.
It’s just fascinating how much our experience of reality can change. You can see the same event completely differently just depending on your perception. So how can we even trust ourselves? That’s been the struggle for me over the past few years. How can we make a decision that actually makes sense?”
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