“The Netherlands kinda broadened my horizons. It was a completely different world. It’s a very liberal country, which makes it completely different from here in Slovenia. For one year, everything was fine, but then this huge crisis started out of nowhere. I went to Berlin with some friends and I simply had a mental breakdown. I just cried, I don’t even know how to describe it, but it was this period of intense helplessness. I didn’t know what to do with my life, I didn’t know what to do next, I didn’t know how to finish my studies.
But it was in May last year when my world actually fell apart. From that time on I felt like I entered an identity crisis. I’ve never felt so low in my life. I really didn’t want to come back to Slovenia, that was the last thing on my list. But here I am now…
I came back to Slovenia in the summertime, and it didn’t feel like home anymore. I started having these panic attacks and feeling anxiety. I drifted apart from my friends. It felt like we’re in completely different worlds. Even my best friends started to notice. They told me that I’m here physically, but mentally I’m somewhere else. I couldn’t fit in anymore.
You feel like you’re going nuts while everyone else has everything figured out. I really relate to the saying “ignorance is bliss” because sometimes I just genuinely envy people who are living a simple life where they’re just happy with what they have.
Sometimes I have these crazy idea about staying in my own village and never going abroad. When you don’t know that there are other things out there, you don’t miss it.
I still haven’t finished my thesis, but I think I’m subconsciously postponing it because I’m afraid of what will happen next. I feel like I’m trapped in a circle in life; like I’m thinking about the same thing over and over again. I can spend hours just ruminating about the same thing.
I’d like to have a job with good money and a partner, but I keep thinking to myself that if I do that when I’m twenty seven, that’s it! After that, it will never be just me again. It would be my family, my kids, and other responsibilities that come before you. But this is my time to live for myself. I’ve never done this before. I was always trying to find other people to make my life worth it. But now it’s time for me.”
Become a member
Access exclusive stories, attend special events and join our online safe space. All for free.
Best of the blog
Take a look at the favourite blog posts and podcast episodes from How To Be Human.