The last six months I’ve been experiencing this typical mid-twenties crisis. You know, once you’ve graduated and then you’re like “wtf do I do now?” I was in a nine year relationship, we had two cats, and we were looking to buy an apartment. Yet I was unhappy.
I was drinking a lot and partying a lot and I realised I didn’t want to continue living in this way. The guy I was with is literally my favourite person on earth. His love is really pure, but it felt like it was just too early for this. I felt almost like I was rotting inside.
About that time, I met a guy on a beach and we started talking really openly and profoundly. I confessed out loud that I was dying inside and he made me realise that it was something I could change…
I came back to my needs, rather than somebody else’s needs. It’s the first time in my life where I’ve actually held the steering wheel for myself.
It’s the first time in my life where everything depends on me.
But I find myself overthinking every decision. I worry about how it’s going to affect my future. I guess I’m afraid of losing, or not choosing the best option. Which is stupid!
I’m the youngest in my family and I was with my ex-boyfriend for a really long time. Before people just made decisions for me. I never learnt to make them myself.
When I know I’ve got support, I take it for granted. I feel like a lioness, and I used to think I was a strong person. But now I feel more insecure. I’m trying to learn how to be secure with myself.
I’ve realised how much confidence my ex gave me. The stability that comes from a relationship has good points. Sometimes I blamed him for a boring life, not myself, even though it was actually me who was not doing anything about it.
I know it sounds obvious, but when you’re living in that, you don’t even realise. You take everything for granted, because it was always that way. But suddenly, when it’s cut off, my life collapsed, I learnt that I don’t have any stability in myself. I think that’s been the hardest part in all of this.
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