I used to always be this happy smiley kid all the time. But one day, I started feeling fake. I started to question if it was really even me at all. It felt shallow. Everyone liked me but it felt so superficial. I slowly figured out that I was running away from certain things and I had to face some of that darkness I was trying to run from.
For me, it was actually fine to allow myself to feel “sadder”. People were used to me being happy and so people started to assume something was wrong. When they asked me what was wrong, it made me question myself and also wonder what was wrong with me. It’s the worst place when you start questioning yourself. If you believe that you can cope, I think you will find a way to manage it, but you can reach a point when you wonder if you’re even capable of that.
I was good at was school when I was younger. I used to get really good grades. Then I came to high school and I wasn’t the best in class anymore. By the time you reach high school there’s so much you need to know that you just cannot learn everything and be good at everything. In the first year I found myself collapsing trying to do it all.
Since then, I’ve now exposed myself to so many different things that I’ve just had to accept that I’m not going to be the best at everything.
I was always the quiet kid. There are so many things inside my head. When I’m really recharged I can be an extrovert, but when you get tired you start overthinking more. So you start closing down and expressing less.
For a while, if there was any kind of positive attention from somebody, I got this feeling like I wanted to run. I believed I wasn’t worthy of it. If somebody gives you this attention, you feel guilty. I felt this need to run away before I got chance to fuck up.
Become a member
Access exclusive stories, attend special events and join our online safe space. All for free.
Best of the blog
Take a look at the favourite blog posts and podcast episodes from How To Be Human.